The Love Experience [Part 2]: Guess Who Loves You More?

I remember that I used to think that no one loved me.

At that point in my life, however, my definition of love was somewhat skewered. I had a weird "Disney-fied" view on love and its associates. The streetrat will always woo the heart of the princess, all the dalmatians will find their way home, and the beauty will always see the golden heart of the beast. And all of these things were hopes and dreams; I wouldn't say that I saw anything that aggressively encouraged these thoughts. I just think that I was what they call a hopeless romantic. Always waiting for that mystical ending. Or beginning.

There were a number of girls that I was interested in. And there were always some circumstances that prevented me from really being able to love someone, always something that I didn't have. A few times, I was told that I was "too good" for their graces. (I still have no idea what that crap means.) While I've grown past those days, I feel that those experiences still haunt me in various ways in my current life.

So, once again, at that stage, with constant rejection, I was more or less left to ponder on things in my own head. I looked around and tried to assess why no one seemed to like me, or why I wasn't an option for these girls. I began to draw comparisons.

Me

• Shorter than your average
• Visually impaired
• No apparent physical ability
• A strange interest in comics and action figures (not dolls)
• Invariably reading books or writing random nothings or doodling

Them

• Tall as, or taller than your average
• 20/20  vision
• Physical dominance in every facet that mattered
• Able to recall each player in the Chicago Bulls' 1996-97 roster
• Somehow able to pass classes without once cracking a textbook

 With that evidence and the lowered self-esteem that usually comes with grade/high school bullying, I had accepted the fact that I would never really be loved as long as these prepubescent deities roamed the playground.

Until I met Ibn. I don't know what an "Ibn" is, but this lil' boy owned his name like a crown. He had captured the wily little heart of one of my many objects of affection, whom we shall call Dee. She was one of the main people who didn't take my affection towards her seriously. I'm assuming that Ibn was more of her type. He was the Alpha Male wherever he was from, and he looked to stake his claim in my world as well.

And it bewildered me that any one would want to stay by his side for any other reason than to beat some sense into him. This kid reminded me of Tupac's character in Juice, hellbent on aggression and dominance. I assume that Dee's 13 year-old loins were tempted by his 'hood demeanor, but the boy could barely form a sentence without some expletives thrown in for good measure. You know, to get his point across, 'knamean?

One event sticks out in my mind. It was at a social gathering of sorts, a few folks from the church got together to celebrate something and everyone brought their kids along. Somehow Ibn ended up in attendance. The grown folks all grouped together while the kids ran around outside, riding on bikes and playing at the nearby park. Dee and Ibn were officially, but unofficially "going with" each other. I, the eternal social nomad, was still the distant friend. Far enough to deny association, but close enough if you needed to borrow a quarter.

I began to notice something in Ibn's behavior, something that seemed to be a continuing trend that only intensified the older I got. Ibn, while young and still very dumb was for all intents and purpose was a verifiable jerk.

He seemed to care nothing for Dee. The main emotion there was a lack of emotion. The way they interacted was more like Ike and Tina. She was scared of him. And I know they were young, with no good sense in their nappy little heads. But I've seen the same sentiment as I've gotten older. Men who, while attached to their women, showed them no respect. They belittled them, disrespected them, displayed utter disregard to their feelings or their womanhood. I've seen men drain the life force from the women they've been blessed to spend time with. Push them to make decisions that only harm them. Encourage them in directions that help no one but themselves. There's no warmth there. There's no care there. There's no love there.

And I've seen women run to them, with arms and hearts wide open. Willing to give just a little bit more of their being. Compromise just a little bit more of their souls. Denying their God-given instinct and trusting a fallen, broken man. Women are incredibly strong creatures, but much of strength, I feel, has been borne from a sense of battle-weariness.

And I've said to myself, what can I do? This is more targeted to the women with whom I have no connection with. These women, I do not know, and they do not know me. That being said, my efforts are more likely to be met with skepticism and caution.

But to the women I do know, and have known? I've had one constant question on my mind. This question initially points at me, but at this current point in my life, I've come to understand what the True Answer is.

"...Guess Who Loves You More?"

January: Wants/Needs

Wants

• John Mayer Concert
• Jerry Seinfeld Stand-Up
• All A's in Grades
• Abs like Spla-Dow!
• Pecs like BAM!
• to clean my car, inside and out
• to get my dad to read my blog/like my writing
  
• an actual mattress
• a new iPod Touch 32gb
• to get out of my contract with AT&T

Needs

• To eat healthier
• All A's in Grades
• a secure job for the summertime in NJ
• more discipline

The Love Experience [Part 1]

To my family...

• This is where I'm from. I honestly know nothing else, and I am growing to see that I don't want to be any other way. This is where the man I will be started his journey. This is where I got all those butt-whoopings. This is where I learned to play the keyboard. These people have taught me so much about my faith and myself. I can't imagine being any different. I remember the amount of things that we have been through, individually and collectively, and it drives me to do what I can to bring us closer together, because this is no ordinary love. We need each other in ways that we're almost resistant to, but...it's all love.
  

To my first real love...

• All that I know, all that I feel about love started with you. From the first moment you walked into church all those years ago, my heart almost literally bled for you. I've woken up from a summernight's sleep with your name on my lips, and I mean that in the most literal way possible. And yet...while it went nowhere, and while you could never understand in a thousand lifetimes how much I loved you, and while we are at two different places in our lives, and while I've finally moved on to greener pastures, I thank you. You've encouraged me. You've taught me. You've challenged me. What's funny is, you don't even know it. But I thank you. All in the name of love.
  

To "Destiny"...

• My senior year in high school would not have been the same without you. Another lesson in love could not have been had without you. The purpose of friendship was made real with you, because at a point in my life where I needed affirmation, you proved to be elemental. At your own admission, there was a facade, and scars were formed, figuratively and literally. You left me. You went somewhere, and yet...I thank you. Of course, I went through a period of hating the oxygen that allowed you to breathe. But...I thank you. Fortunately, we were able to meet resolution, but I wouldn't have known how to rationalize my emotions without you. I remember all of it, all of us, all of you.
  

To my missed love...

• While I wish that we had our own niche in time to exist independently, you are beyond important. Simply stating that you are a great friend is an understatement, because of where our relationship is. I've done things and made decisions that could have dissolved our friendship, compromised it and turned it into mere repeat of failed relationships of our pasts. But you decided to stay with me and be just that...my friend. What's funny is that prior to our meeting, I had given up hope on love, but you gave me something. You allowed me an arena to be, simply. Maybe God has something different in the cards for you and I, but I am glad that we are where we are.

To my current love...

• Never have I known a love so intense, so complex. And we may have identical interests and passions, but one cannot deny God's penmanship throughout our relationship. I mean it when I say that I can't imagine not having you in my life; 'tis a blessing that we are this close. Once again, me and my foolish tendencies have threatened our relationship, pushing it to unnecessary limits...but here we are. And I meant what I said that one decisive night, oh so long ago: I love you, because outside of myself, beyond myself, I want nothing but your happiness and success - even to the point for you to save yourself from me if you had to. You have taught me how love is to be applicable and intentional, if it is to grow. And I want to continue to grow with you.
  

To my friends...

• I don't need to go back in time and bring up stories of how I was the outcast growing up. I don't need to paint more pictures of woes and complaints about a part of my life that is no longer here. But I will take this chance to re-iterate, or even state for the first time for some of you who may not know - I've come from a very dark place. Yet you all call yourselves my friends. Not the "Chandler-and-Monica" friends, but friends to call me out on my stupidity...with love. Friends who reciprocate the warmth that I try to show to them. Homies, roll dawgs, potnas, peeps, ya'll provide me with a community that makes me feel safe.You challenge my faith and my walk with Christ. You allow me to make mistakes and learn from them. You allow me to stick my foot in my mouth, and then help me to take it out. Simply put, you show me a very basic, but often overlooked form of love. This is the kind of love that I think God meant when he spoke of fellowship, because I am learning that this life was not meant to be lived alone.

"...At least I can say that I have experienced love..."

The Love Experience: Intro

So, I found myself listening to Raheem DeVaughn's debut album, "The Love Experience". In listening to the first song, I realized somethings that I wanted to take advantage of.

My "Love Experiences", according to The Love Experience.

First off, I understand that Love, will never have one sole definition. From Agape to Parental to Unrequited, love is the eternal Bermuda Triangle, an ever-existent Pandora's Box. Common understanding ceases to exist, and everything is made clear.

Looking back, I've learned how much of a part that this love (that no one can explain) has really made me who I am, and who I plan on being. Not to make it sound like the next "Antwone Fisher", but regarding issues of the heart, let me be the first blog you read today to point that I've been through some things with love. Call it a pinprick or gaping war wound, hurt is hurt.

But I feel that these experiences have something to offer you, as well as me.

So, I ask you...are you feeling loved today?