1.25.2010

January: Wants/Needs


Wants
  • John Mayer Concert
  • Jerry Seinfeld Stand-Up
  • All A's in Grades
  • Abs like Spla-Dow!
  • Pecs like BAM!
  • to clean my car, inside and out
  • to get my dad to read my blog/like my writing
  • an actual mattress
  • a new iPod Touch 32gb
  • to get out of my contract with AT&T
Needs
  • To eat healthier
  • All A's in Grades
  • a secure job for the summertime in NJ
  • more discipline

1.21.2010

The Love Experience [Part 1]




To my family...
  • This is where I'm from. I honestly know nothing else, and I am growing to see that I don't want to be any other way. This is where the man I will be started his journey. This is where I got all those butt-whoopings. This is where I learned to play the keyboard. These people have taught me so much about my faith and myself. I can't imagine being any different. I remember the amount of things that we have been through, individually and collectively, and it drives me to do what I can to bring us closer together, because this is no ordinary love. We need each other in ways that we're almost resistant to, but...it's all love.

To my first real love...
  • All that I know, all that I feel about love started with you. From the first moment you walked into church all those years ago, my heart almost literally bled for you. I've woken up from a summernight's sleep with your name on my lips, and I mean that in the most literal way possible. And yet...while it went nowhere, and while you could never understand in a thousand lifetimes how much I loved you, and while we are at two different places in our lives, and while I've finally moved on to greener pastures, I thank you. You've encouraged me. You've taught me. You've challenged me. What's funny is, you don't even know it. But I thank you. All in the name of love.

To "Destiny"...
  • My senior year in high school would not have been the same without you. Another lesson in love could not have been had without you. The purpose of friendship was made real with you, because at a point in my life where I needed affirmation, you proved to be elemental. At your own admission, there was a facade, and scars were formed, figuratively and literally. You left me. You went somewhere, and yet...I thank you. Of course, I went through a period of hating the oxygen that allowed you to breathe. But...I thank you. Fortunately, we were able to meet resolution, but I wouldn't have known how to rationalize my emotions without you. I remember all of it, all of us, all of you.

To my missed love...
  • While I wish that we had our own niche in time to exist independently, you are beyond important. Simply stating that you are a great friend is an understatement, because of where our relationship is. I've done things and made decisions that could have dissolved our friendship, compromised it and turned it into mere repeat of failed relationships of our pasts. But you decided to stay with me and be just that...my friend. What's funny is that prior to our meeting, I had given up hope on love, but you gave me something. You allowed me an arena to be, simply. Maybe God has something different in the cards for you and I, but I am glad that we are where we are.

To my current love...
  • Never have I known a love so intense, so complex. And we may have identical interests and passions, but one cannot deny God's penmanship throughout our relationship. I mean it when I say that I can't imagine not having you in my life; 'tis a blessing that we are this close. Once again, me and my foolish tendencies have threatened our relationship, pushing it to unnecessary limits...but here we are. And I meant what I said that one decisive night, oh so long ago: I love you, because outside of myself, beyond myself, I want nothing but your happiness and success - even to the point for you to save yourself from me if you had to. You have taught me how love is to be applicable and intentional, if it is to grow. And I want to continue to grow with you.

To my friends...
  • I don't need to go back in time and bring up stories of how I was the outcast growing up. I don't need to paint more pictures of woes and complaints about a part of my life that is no longer here. But I will take this chance to re-iterate, or even state for the first time for some of you who may not know - I've come from a very dark place. Yet you all call yourselves my friends. Not the "Chandler-and-Monica" friends, but friends to call me out on my stupidity...with love. Friends who reciprocate the warmth that I try to show to them. Homies, roll dawgs, potnas, peeps, ya'll provide me with a community that makes me feel safe.You challenge my faith and my walk with Christ. You allow me to make mistakes and learn from them. You allow me to stick my foot in my mouth, and then help me to take it out. Simply put, you show me a very basic, but often overlooked form of love. This is the kind of love that I think God meant when he spoke of fellowship, because I am learning that this life was not meant to be lived alone.
"...At least I can say that I have experienced love..."

1.19.2010

The Love Experience: Intro



So, I found myself listening to Raheem DeVaughn's debut album, "The Love Experience". In listening to the first song, I realized somethings that I wanted to take advantage of.

My "Love Experiences", according to The Love Experience.

First off, I understand that Love, will never have one sole definition. From Agape to Parental to Unrequited, love is the eternal Bermuda Triangle, an ever-existent Pandora's Box. Common understanding ceases to exist, and everything is made clear.

Looking back, I've learned how much of a part that this love (that no one can explain) has really made me who I am, and who I plan on being. Not to make it sound like the next "Antwone Fisher", but regarding issues of the heart, let me be the first blog you read today to point that I've been through some things with love. Call it a pinprick or gaping war wound, hurt is hurt.

But I feel that these experiences have something to offer you, as well as me.

So, I ask you...are you feeling loved today?

12.31.2009

What Did I Do in 2009?



  • Graduated Undergrad with a Double Major in Human Services and Industrial/Organizational Psychology. Trust me, it sounds like a lot more than it is...
  • Started Graduate School, focusing on Counseling...
  • Finally accomplished a dream and published my first (official) collection of poetry (which can be found for sale at Great Publishing).
  • Developed a growing interest/passion for photography.
  • Seen the inauguration of America's first non-white President...
  • ...which, coincidentally, allowed me to see a lot of insensitivity within the Body of Christ, as well as this country itself.
  • Performed in front of my largest crowd to date with The Jedi.
  • Finally bought the Complete Series of Seinfeld & The Wire, both for under $110 apiece, thanks to eBay.
  • Spent an entire summer in Golden/Branson, Missouri, doing ministry work by spreading God's love to dozens, if not hundreds of innercity youth across the country.
  • Mourned the loss of my most influential artist/entertainer.

  • Split, then rekindled one of my most treasured relationships.
  • Finally, after years of torturous pain - I got my first car!
  • ...which, coincidentially, allowed me to get my first flat tire.
  • Moved into a new apartment, with nicer features!
  • Met the face of resolution with an old heartbreak...
  • Twisted my hair again...
  • Attended one of the most fulfilling concerts I have ever been to.
  • Got somewhat closer to my siblings...
  • Got lost in my own city...
  • ...and developed more tales in the story of my life, including but not limited to
    • skinnydipping
    • "pre-game" bonanzas!
    • cooking experiments gone right!
    • recording myself in a studio
    • road trips to DC, VA Beach & NJ
    • discovering the social underground of lynchburg's college life
    • a whole bunch of "almost's". Take it how you want it.
    • coming face-to-face with ignorance, on my side of the fence.
    • a few of my darkest demons
    • re: my love life - a deep affinity for John Legend, John Mayer, James Morrison and Little Brother
    • ...and much, much more. Stay tuned for 2010!

12.07.2009

"That's Just The Way It Is..."




On my Facebook page, I got a message from Kerry Washington. Yes, the Kerry Washington.




I’ve been lusting over her for quite some time now, so naturally, I’d be a little more than shocked.
It read the following:

I’m not going to go into detail about how I found you. 
I am going to make this very simple for you. 
I will be in Virginia for the week, and I am more than interested in you: 
one night only. 
My number is ***-***-****, text if you are interested, DO NOT CALL. 
$$$ will be involved if you need “encouragement”. 
Offer stands for three days.
Of course, I danced back and forth, but I had dreamed of this for years. But…I was still a little suspect.
So I told my girlfriend. I forwarded her the message. This was her response:


Lol, what do you think that means? And money too? 
Shoot, if you don’t, I’ll do it…maybe I can join? 
Seriously tho…let me know ;)



I may be living a fantasy tonight.


Now, obviously, I’m full of crap.

Ask any man who has actually had a situation like this present itself, posting it on any social network could be collectively agreed upon as Not A Good Look, regardless of its moral questionability.

But, if this were my ideal world? This may actually happen.

I would get approached by a lust-worthy starlet, it would be approved by my ladyfriend.

And there would be money in my pocket as a result.

Unfortunately, it is not. Chances are, it won’t happen.

Nor any of the standards and situations that would make this world an ideal one.
·       


  • Racism would be abolished. There would be no unspoken reinforced stereotypes, no accepted discrimination, and no more lame “You-know-how-us-black-people-are” jokes.
  • Reese’s would be the one healthy food group.
  • College debt would be forgiven after the completion of Graduate School and 5 years of employ in the respective field of study.
  • R. Kelly would be banned from making music.
  • Children under 18 would have no active interest in sexually related activities, and be completely content with Saturday Morning cartoons and hopscotch on the pavement.
  • There would be a universal musical standard, with demands like real-life application and 10-word obscenity limit per album.
  • People would leave Obama the heck alone.
  • Bill O’Reilly/Glenn Beck would shut the heck up.

Those suggestions and more would probably turn this world into a utopia for me.

But…this is not the case.

Bill O’Reilly is still running his mouth, and Conservatives and Liberals are still at odds and ends. I’ll probably be in debt until my 50s. 50 Cent has a new album out that will be hailed as another “gem” in today’s “music” scene, and Obama has the planet watching, hating and scrutinizing his every move. Forget slavery, racism is still alive and well, existing in the most violent of ways. An ideal world, this is not.

So what do we do with this?

There is a saying that states that if something isn’t malfunctioning in some way, why attempt to fix it. And in some contexts, that applies beautifully (If I got a 99% on a paper, I will not hurt myself trying to get that last 1%).

In other cases, I am inclined to wonder…why not?

Discrimination and racial tension is like a wine stain on the fabric of our existence in the country; it is here. And realistically speaking, there is nothing that can be done about it in this generation’s lifetime.

The Center for Disease Control reports that “1/3 of girls get pregnant before the age of 20…750,000 teen pregnancies annually…eight in ten of these pregnancies are unintended and 81% are to unmarried teens…

Despite being 2008’s most popular, most controversial, most recognized, most symbolic of hope and change, President Obama’s disapproval rating is at 48.3%, while his approval rating is at 47.8%, a steady drop since last January.

And the facts go on and on and on, more than anyone of us can change.

And we live with this. We operate our lives, making room and Segways around it, Kanye-shrugging through, en route to our own comfort zones.

My question is this: What about change? What rule is there that says that we have to live with these culturally accepted, but generally unpopular and questionable laws?

Why live in a racist society, coming up with reasons why it exists and jokes that further propagate the stigma?


Why provide clean needles, strong condoms and Planned Parenthood sites around the country, assisting and appeasing the problem?


I’m not suggesting that we make one man’s rant everyone’s rule. But…we are not idiots. We have a God-given mind that we have the option to use…why not use it? Why sit in a dung-heap and not find a way out?

I guess I’m just tired of hearing about how “that’s just the way it is…”. I believe that it doesn’t have to be this way.


Sure, it makes for a great Katt Williams routine, but…we are thisclose to sitting in our own filth, adjusting to the smell. There is something that we can do, something that can be done. Voting is one thing, but…are we not a community/village?


At the end of the day, I will probably never have a night full of explorative escapades with Kerry Washington. My children will still be seen skin first, Obama or not. But I am attempting to make moves, in my life, to design my life around the constant hope and Greater Good Known as Jesus the Christ to do something, act outside of “that’s just the way it is”, and to make a place where Heaven scrapes the pavement.

12.03.2009

Live Random or Die Hard...

I snatched this one from Don's post...



saying no to:
taking life too seriously
staying in the same place for too long
another year with AT&T's wack service.


saying yes to:
Christ's Saving Grace
continously learning more about cooking
loving and living more and more
the next (final?) best thing in hip-hop/music.


giddy about:
LIFE
starting my own family
never stopping pushing this pen
((????))

deeply inspired by:
non-profit and grassroots organizations
Real Christians who live their lives as Real Christians
Authentic Artists

obsessed with:
My family
chewy LemonHeads
Seinfeld&The Wire
Michael Jackson


in love with:
"Pomegranate-Lipped Nile Queen"
GOOD POETRY/MUSIC
My God, My God, My God....


haunted by:
spoiled milk from last night
various lies to my parents
my arrest in 2007




saved by:
God's unbelievable, inhuman, amazing, beautiful grace and love.